Living Well

I'm so tired of watching my family members die from preventable disease. Yesterday I learned that my uncle was in the ICU and will likely not make it out alive. He has failed to take care of his numerous health conditions. His heart is only functioning at 20% and all of his other health issues complicate the treatment of his ailments.

What I don't get is that we all watched this uncle's parents die from lung cancer. Both cancers were directly attributable to smoking. We all saw my dad's accident as a likely result of heart disease. His mother also had heart disease, and a heart attack at 43. My mom's mon had heart disease and has had multiple surgeries on her heart and now her joints from a lack of exercise.

I'm tired of seeing this happen to all the people around me. I have committed to living a healthy lifestyle. I can't bear the thought of my cousin being only 21 and losing his father. It's bad enough that my sister and I experienced the same thing. How many more kids have to become adults without parents? If we ever have kids, I want to watch them graduate college, get married, and help with the landscaping on their first house. I want to meet my grand kids. My dad didn't have that chance and now my uncle will miss out too. It seems like such a waste.

Vegetarian Enchiladas 6 WW PointsPlus

This is super easy and we usually have all these ingredients stocked in the pantry. This is a great quick meal for the middle of the week, or in my case today: Monday night.

To make, get a big bowl and empty drained cans of black beans, pinto beans, Mexicorn, and salsa into the bowl and mix. I added a bag of seasoned Morningstar meal starter crumbles. I seasoned mine with some cumin and garlic- use whatever you while your tacos seasoned with. Mix this into your bean and corn mixture. This is your enchilada filling.

Pour canned (or homemade) enchilada sauce into the bottom of a baking dish. Tonight I used two of the smaller Pyrex dishes because I didn't decide to make the whole recipe until halfway through. I put about a half cup of enchilada filling into the center of a tortilla and then wrap the tortilla like a burrito, but I leave my ends open. Do this until you run out of filling, I made a dozen. Don't be afraid to sardine the enchiladas in there. Everything's pre-cooked for the most part so there isn't a temperature issue. Then pour the rest of your enchilada sauce and sprinkle some cheese on top. Pop your baking dish into the oven at 350 degrees for about a half an hour. I like mine topped with light sour cream.

Enjoy!

Running away from it all

I recently have decided that I might be becoming a runner. I'm running my very first 10k in two days after a few 5k races with improving times. I have to say that I'm pretty excited about trying the longer distance. I even registered for a ten mile race the first weekend of May and I've looked at adding a half marathon before it gets too hot, too. I may delay that until December, though.

What I love about running is that it offers me a lot of the same competition with myself that I loved about swimming. After tearing both of my shoulders to shit from three years of non-stop swimming in high school, I think I've ruled swimming for a regular exercise out of my domain. They're still really weak from the abuse I put them through. But when I run, I start to feel the same feelings about my athleticism that I felt from being in the pool.

When I run, I just feel pretty good. I feel strong and fit. I love pushing myself to run five minutes longer than last time or push the treadmill a few bumps faster than last time. There are so many ways that I can push myself to excel. The icing on the cake is that unlike swimming, there are plenty of opportunities to race and improve my time in a more official manner.

Overall, my favorite part about running is without a doubt the activity points that I earn when I run. By running three times a week, I'm adding at least one full day's worth of food to my weekly diet and I'm still able to lose weight! I will be hitting the 30 pound mark this weekend at my weigh-in. Wish me luck and think some happy and fast thoughts!

My new competitive streak

I feel so proud to report that I've had another successful weigh-in this week. I'm down another two pounds for a total of 28.4 pounds lost. I'm within 18 pouns of my goal weight, and I can't even begin to describe how excited I am. I can't even remember the last time I saw a number below 175 on the scale, and I'm comfortably below that number now. I don't want to see it again unless I get pregnant in the future.

I mentioned in my last blog post that i was going to win my battle. There is a lot that goes into winning for me. It's more than just a number or a dress size for me. For me, it is a battle I've fought since Dad died. It's the battle of taking control over my life and not being a victim of circumstance. Everyone has bad stuff that happens to them. I chose to eat in order to deal with the emotional trauma associated with the loss of my dad and grandfather in the same month. I don't need to do that anymore. Through counseling, I think I've reconciled a lot of the unresolved issues surrounding my dad's death. I'm no longer terrified to drive on highways and I've been able to see the silver lining: we donated Dad's tissues, which have significantly improved the quality of life of other people; Gregg an I turned our relationship around and we're happily married for 2 1/2 years now; and I have my feet firmly planted on the ground with a healthy worldview. The weight is the only thing left for me to conquer in order to feel like I've started my life over again.

I also like to look at my weight loss as a competition, especially when I look at my journey with Weight Watchers. I like to compete with myself to see how much I can eat for the least amount of points plus values. I like to see how many activity points I can earn on a given day or week. Then I like to compete with myself to see how much weight I can loose. This is kind of like my relationship with swimming, where I competed with myself before I competed against other people. I think I'm developing that relationship with running, too. I push myself further in terms of speed or distance on a regular basis. I run my 10k a week from today, and that's a push that I don't think I was ready for even a month ago. But I know that I can run for at least an hour straight, so I can do this!

Two Years Later...

I made this blog a long time ago, but clearly I have not utilized it to its full potential. I started it as a way to keep myself honest, and because I don't anticipate this being read by many people, have it as an outlet for some of the emotions that come along with weight loss. If I've learned anything in the last few years, it's that weight loss is an emotional journey that dredges up unresolved feelings of past hurt, the disappointment or pride in yourself, the anger that you did this to yourself, and the excitement that the journey brings you.

First thing's first. I've actually been successful at my weight loss journey this time. I joined Weight Watchers in July of 2010 and I have lost 23 pounds, as of this writing. It's not a lot of weight in this long of a time, but I am beyond proud of my progress, espcially considering the life challenges I've faced during this year and a half. I graduated grad school, bought a house, started teaching at the university level, worked three jobs at once, and maintained a happy life outside of school and work. There were months that my only goal was to maintain my weight, and for a while there, the scale creeped on up. I'm on the way back down due to my personal dedication to not let myself fail in this endeavor.

For me, weight loss is only partially superficial. Sure, I like the way that I look now that I've lost weight, and I dream of one day wearing a bikini with no shame again. Mostly, though, my weight loss journey is allowing me to prove to the world and myself that I can overcome. I have not let my dad's death control my life. I may have let the unresolved trauma shape me into the 202 pound woman that I once was, but it's not who I am now. It's not who he would be proud of. I am strong, and in the last 4 1/2 years since he died, I have become stronger. I will win.

For real doing it this time

I decided a few weeks ago that it's really time to lose the weight. I've been carrying around an extra fifty pounds or so for the last two and a half years, since the death of my dad. I'm taking a full approach to the weight loss, and though it may not be as extreme as some others and their programs, I'm attempting what I think is the best way to fit into our lifestyle.

I don't believe in starving or limiting calories or not indulging in dessert. I believe in choosing better foods, eating regularly (including breakfast), and eating at home more than we go out for dinner.

In addition to changing the food that goes in, I'm working on letting things out as well. Gregg and I joined a gym that's only a few miles from the house, and because it's a community gym run by the hospital, there are normal people who work out there. I don't have to be sandwiched on a treadmill between two skeletor blondes in their sorority tees and jogging shorts hanging on for dear life as they attempt to keep up with their too-fast treadmill for twenty minutes.

I've also started counseling. Again. This is round three for those keeping score at home. However, I've been back to this counselor which is farther than I ever got with anyone before. She seems to think that I didn't really get the chance to deal with everything two years ago, so in a lot of respects, I'm still a week or two out from the accident, trying to process everything. However, in the last two weeks, she thinks that I'm making progress. Just talking to somebody, being able to let things out in a non-judgmental venue where I don't have to censor my words or feel stupid for crying makes things better. It opened an internal dialogue with myself that often censors memories or bringing Dad up in conversation. I'm also learning some strategies for self care to cope with the driving neuroses that have presented themselves after all of the people in my life who have died in car accidents. I'm learning what triggers me to remember and have emotional responses and how to not only identify but cope with those triggers in everyday life. The next step is to learn how to replace the eating with another behavior as a response to the triggers. I think that Gregg would also be appreciative if I learned how to express my needs and emotional states as they come rather than snapping and demanding to be left alone or cuddled immediately. It's a work in progress, but it will come. And I know that in dealing with the emotion, the weight will come off, just like the weight on my shoulders came off with the first appointment.

So with the more heavy stuff out of the way, I'd like to share my goals for this weight loss. Some are more goofy or selfish than others, but over the last few days, I've thought of goals and some rewards for when I meet those goals.

• Fit comfortably in the pants hanging in my closet
• Fit into the pants that are a size smaller that are in storage in the other closet
• See my collar bones again
• Feel confident in a store dressing room
• Have the urge to go clothes shopping again
• Feel good about myself in the nuuuuuude
• Have the ass and thighs for spandex again
• Feel confident wearing shorts in public
• Be able to wear a shirt without an undershirt to camoflague bulges or cellulite
• Have a normal size bellybutton
• Swim a 500 without stopping

Some of my rewards:

• Spending that Victoria's Secret gift card on a smaller size than normal
• Indulging in new clothes for a new body
• Massages at the gym
• More to follow as I figure them out :)

Day 1: Fit for Life Challenge

I may have jumped into this a little too quickly. All this eating and working out is a little much for me to handle all at once. But I guess that my gradual approaches haven't gotten me very far in the past. I guess that if I jump in with both feet, it will be easier for me in the long run to complete the entire challenge. No half-assed attempts here!

I told mom about the challenge, and she seemed very supportive. I tried to tell Bentley a little bit more about it, but she was nervous and upset about how her presentation in class went. Maybe once she calms down a little about life, I can tell her about it. I think that doing this program with Gregg will definitely help me out a lot. He's going to be holding me accountable for working out and following the eating program.

I'm not sure I ever want to eat again after Day 1. Six times a day feels like constant eating. My two last meals I had to choke down. After my workout (Upper Body weight training), I felt like I was going to hurl all over the Wal-Mart as I was picking up fruit and other essentials for this crazy food plan. Then the dude at GNC told me that I didn't want the calipers I was trying to buy. Came home after that and just vegged on the couch all last night. Great start...

On the plus side, I woke up this morning on Day 2 with only moderate soreness in my arms. My armpits feel like somebody knifed me or something crazy, but not as bad as I was anticipating. I can move and function, which is something altogether different than last night when it hurt to lift my Nalgene to my mouth.

Today is the same diet plan all over again and the aerobic workout. 20 minutes of running :) Oh great... let's just see how my hip will hold out for this one. But I must keep a positive attitude. Otherwise the rest of the 82 days is going to blow ass.