I don't believe in starving or limiting calories or not indulging in dessert. I believe in choosing better foods, eating regularly (including breakfast), and eating at home more than we go out for dinner.
In addition to changing the food that goes in, I'm working on letting things out as well. Gregg and I joined a gym that's only a few miles from the house, and because it's a community gym run by the hospital, there are normal people who work out there. I don't have to be sandwiched on a treadmill between two skeletor blondes in their sorority tees and jogging shorts hanging on for dear life as they attempt to keep up with their too-fast treadmill for twenty minutes.
I've also started counseling. Again. This is round three for those keeping score at home. However, I've been back to this counselor which is farther than I ever got with anyone before. She seems to think that I didn't really get the chance to deal with everything two years ago, so in a lot of respects, I'm still a week or two out from the accident, trying to process everything. However, in the last two weeks, she thinks that I'm making progress. Just talking to somebody, being able to let things out in a non-judgmental venue where I don't have to censor my words or feel stupid for crying makes things better. It opened an internal dialogue with myself that often censors memories or bringing Dad up in conversation. I'm also learning some strategies for self care to cope with the driving neuroses that have presented themselves after all of the people in my life who have died in car accidents. I'm learning what triggers me to remember and have emotional responses and how to not only identify but cope with those triggers in everyday life. The next step is to learn how to replace the eating with another behavior as a response to the triggers. I think that Gregg would also be appreciative if I learned how to express my needs and emotional states as they come rather than snapping and demanding to be left alone or cuddled immediately. It's a work in progress, but it will come. And I know that in dealing with the emotion, the weight will come off, just like the weight on my shoulders came off with the first appointment.
So with the more heavy stuff out of the way, I'd like to share my goals for this weight loss. Some are more goofy or selfish than others, but over the last few days, I've thought of goals and some rewards for when I meet those goals.
- Fit comfortably in the pants hanging in my closet
- Fit into the pants that are a size smaller that are in storage in the other closet
- See my collar bones again
- Feel confident in a store dressing room
- Have the urge to go clothes shopping again
- Feel good about myself in the nuuuuuude
- Have the ass and thighs for spandex again
- Feel confident wearing shorts in public
- Be able to wear a shirt without an undershirt to camoflague bulges or cellulite
- Have a normal size bellybutton
- Swim a 500 without stopping
Some of my rewards:
- Spending that Victoria's Secret gift card on a smaller size than normal
- Indulging in new clothes for a new body
- Massages at the gym
- More to follow as I figure them out :)
